


Slightly Older

by fiddleogold_againstyoursoul



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4419257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiddleogold_againstyoursoul/pseuds/fiddleogold_againstyoursoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That strange ebbing hunger that eats up at you as you watch a grown man swing a gurgling child onto his shoulders, the flame that licks away at your insides as you watch the same man coo over his newborn daughter with the proud eyes of a father, eyes you once loved to distraction.<br/>That searing heat that somehow burns your cheek at a temperature that'd melt icecaps, the tears you claim to be an allergic reaction spilling down your cheeks as you watch the one person you loved clasp at his bride and walk away, not even noticing you.<br/>Levi and his memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slightly Older

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this quote I found on the net, credit to the page Poems Porn on FB.

The sun had been a sphere of orange fire in the sky when Levi left the house, now it was fading behind the distant mountains. The sky was streaked with fiery colour that would only be stained by darkness later on and stars spilled across that black canvass, but for now Levi's sole attraction was the fading husk of the sun, the one star he felt made a difference.  
Well, not the one.

He'd chosen to take a stroll on this particular date for a reason...after all, he rarely sojourned outdoors, so today was a rare exception. Why? He didn't take lightly to that question aimed at himself, for every part of him was either screaming a different answer or pleading with him to just go back to the sanctuary of home.

''What are you looking for?'' His rational side asked, and Levi swore there was a tiredness in the way it posed the query, as if it had been out here originally to change his mind but knew it was no use. ''You know there's nothing left for you here. You're going to get hurt again.''

''Leave him alone!'' His heart demanded, but it felt heavy as well, as if it held the weight of the world with its steady beat, blood pumping with every shudder that ran through the organ. ''He knows what he wants! Let him do it!''

''What he wants isn't here,'' His sense retorted, a trifle annoyedly. ''Never mind that, he doesn't know. Ask his thoughts. He's questioning every single one of them now, isn't he?'' 

''Even if he tells me to,'' Levi's legs chorused. ''We couldn't stop. He wouldn't mean it. He'd find himself walking anyway.''

''Turn back, turn back!'' 

''You're only going to be hurt!''

''Can you hear them, Levi?'' The brain asked. It for one was settled, a strange sort of calm that Levi was glad to be able to command at will. He felt numb, senseless. His limbs were tingling and there was a clamour of his different sides in his own person. He was literally at war with himself. 

''I can,'' He murmured, and pulled on the cuff of his sleeve a tad nervously, which was very unlike him. He had a very composed demeanour then, but his heart was racing as it felt the ominous tide of thought break upon it. ''And I...I don't care.''

''Levi, no!''

''Levi, we're going to relive history again!''

''Shut up!'' The brain roared, then its voice became soft, a little sad. ''Levi. They're right, you know. You know that...that he is impossible for you to claim now. This is reality, Levi.'' 

Levi swallowed. He saw the man he used to call his lover smiling at a stranger. He saw them walking down the aisle hand in hand, the girl's face aglow with excitement. He saw the groom's smile, a smile that Levi remembered all too well, one that would chafe his senses and make his legs turn to jelly. He saw them kiss, heard them say their vows. 

''I know,'' His voice was hollow, like a bone rattling against the bars of a cell. He knew. He knew, bloody hell, he knew! 

''But you're still doing it.''

Levi smiled ruefully and found a bench where he could sit and try to calm himself down. It was in the shade of a willow tree, one that flung its leaves down to where he was, touching the ground with them. The sun was almost disappearing behind that slip of green. It would soon be over, and if he could weather it out, it would be Levi's own personal triumph.

''Do you remember what we said?''

''How could I forget.'' Levi thought of the day they'd really split up, the day Erwin had wrenched the ring from his finger and flung it across the room in a rage. The day he'd screamed at the blonde to stop being such an airhead. The way Erwin had retorted with a swear word that Levi supposed he really did deserve, for how petty and jealous he was. 

They'd been a horrible match, a hurricane and a volcano, and when Levi's explosive personality met Erwin's tendency to be particularly friendly towards women, they became a chemical reaction of which disastrous results no amount of make up kisses or sweet talk could wipe away. They left a splotch in the white cloth of each other's heart, a burn mark nothing could overtake. 

''We're too young to truly perceive what's love,'' They'd come to understand. ''Maybe some day, when we're both mature enough and both experienced enough, we'll find our way back to each other. Maybe when our minds are less the warground they are and when our poison does nothing to suffocate each other, we'll both be right for each other.''

Maybe some day.

Levi let a bitter laugh pass his lips. It tasted like sulfur, like the burnt remnants his heart had been desecrated to when he'd run into a pretty blonde man with a beautiful fiancee. When the man had stared at him, and Levi had returned the stare shamelessly, feeling wrath close its cold hand around the ashes of his broken heart. When he'd realised just how much he'd been nursing that secret desire even though he always told himself he didn't care. 

And realised it even more, and deeper in pain, when he'd received a pink envelope with two names in a big heart on it...one of them ERWIN SMITH. When he'd forced his pleading, bleeding heart to comply with his stubborn pride and shown up with a black rose pinned to his lapel. When Erwin had looked at him and his eyes had said his surprise. 

It had been a hollow triumph, rattling Levi's ribcage with the jealous pulsations of his heart as he'd watched his beloved declare his undying love to someone he'd never met and not ever wished to meet. 

''Are you alright?'' His mind sounded worried. Levi laughed again and yet again it sounded so horribly broken. His thumb caressed the ring on his left hand, one with an E and a L on it. Once he'd thought it'd meant Erwin and Levi. Now he knew it meant endless love. He would forever be slave to his heart that pined after Erwin still so sinfully, but the latter would never even let his name pass his lips.

''I'm fine.''

A child stumbled over a pebble as he ran past, and he fell, uttering a cry of pain. Levi contemplated his next actions and surprised himself when he stood and helped the boy up. ''Hey, watch your step. You shouldn't run in a place like this.''

''Sorry, Uncle.'' The boy was cute, with blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. Levi realised with a twinge of pain how much he resembled Erwin, and swallowed it with a painful gulp. ''I'm not old enough to be called an uncle,'' He sternly said, and without knowing why, ruffled the boy's hair. It was soft under his hand, and slightly damp. ''Some people get offended when you call them that.''

''You look about Dad's age, though! I'm sorry, Big Brother!''

''It's fine.'' Levi checked his watch and found it to be a quarter past seven. The sun was no more than a pink slip of light peeking behind the mountain. His heart heaved, relievedly. ''It's time to go,'' it whispered, and this time no one protested.

''Oh, yeah, kid. What's your name?'' 

''Capricorn,'' The boy answered, and beamed. ''Isn't that a fantastic name, like the constellation! Even though my birthday's in July, I really like the name!''

Capricorn. Levi's horoscope. He saw, how before he and Erwin had split up, the blonde had smiled at him and kissed his forehead fondly. How he'd asked, ever so innocently:

''What's your horoscope, Levi?''

''Capricorn, huh. That's a cute name.'' Levi tried to ignore the gnawing suspicion lodged in his heart and turned away, when he heard a voice calling.

''Capricorn! Cap, where are you?''

''Dad!''

Little Capricorn flew into the arms of a tall, broad-shouldered man, and when Levi saw the man's face a thousand bolts of voltage ran through him. He was frozen to the spot, and he felt the blood rush out of his face, then return with thrumming intensity. 

''Honestly, don't run off. Did you fall again?'' The man saw Capricorn's scraped knees and frowned slightly, an all too familiar vexed furrow appearing between his thick eyebrows. 

''Yeah, but Big Brother helped me up! I'm fine!''

''Big Brother?'' Erwin glanced upwards, and their eyes met. Levi read a million different emotions in them, ones he was sure his eyes were flashing as well. Shock. Familiarity. Gratitude. Reminiscence. Longing. Fear. He saw them all as clear as day, as if Erwin was accounting them to him himself. 

Erwin's eyes flitted to the hand Levi had clutching at his heart, the silver gleam of the ring on it. 

''Erwin! You two, don't leave me alone with Susie!'' 

A brunette woman came flying up, an infant swaddled in a blanket in her arms. She had glimmering green eyes and the sign of crows' feet about them, and a smile that would light up a dark room on her face. The way she looked at Erwin, and the way he noticed her, was like a stab to the heart...repeated stabs, and a grenade to the chest as well.

And suddenly, Levi felt his breath hitch in his throat, felt the tears he hadn't been aware he was holding flow out in a steady stream, memories spilling from his eyes, as Erwin leaned over and kissed the baby in the woman's arms, a fatherly affection Levi had never seen and wished he'd never see again. He turned, this time fully, and ran, not caring for the shouts of ''Big Brother'' behind him, not caring for the drunken way he stumbled and how bleary his vision was then. 

He only looked back when he was at the entrance of the park, and Erwin was staring at him, his wife and children by his side. There was a question in his sky blue eyes Levi longed to answer, but didn't have the ability to.

''I told you,'' His mind whispered, but he felt his heart lift. He hadn't seen Erwin since his wedding, since Levi had come home and screamed at an empty room, an empty bed without Erwin's warmth in it. 

He'd been too much of a coward then. He'd wanted to back out now as well. It probably, as his rationality told him, would've worked out better. Levi should've thrown the ring away as Erwin had done. He shouldn't have crawled all over the place just to find the ring that Erwin had flung away from him just to mail it to him in an unaddressed envelope. He shouldn't have remembered the date of their anniversary or gone to the place they'd been to on their first date. 

But he had. And he wasn't sorry, not as far as he could cry. 

It was unfair. Levi had clung on to that hope, that halfhearted promise that 'when we're older and wiser', and he'd rued it painfully. Rued it still now, with the tears that didn't seem to cease. 

''When we're slightly older,'' He whispered to himself...his thoughts, his memory, his limbs and organs. ''We'll remember Erwin Smith. We'll remember him to the end of our life. We'll never forget him.''

That was a promise he could keep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd end it on a perky thanks for reading but right now the melancholy is hitting me hard. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this trash...


End file.
